1 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,320 We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to cross the floor. 2 00:00:10,359 --> 00:00:12,560 I think we should use the carrot-and-stick approach, yeah. 3 00:00:12,599 --> 00:00:15,119 You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking ass, 4 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:19,079 followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. 5 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,199 -Hello. -Hi. 6 00:00:20,239 --> 00:00:21,640 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 7 00:00:21,679 --> 00:00:24,199 Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? 8 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:25,719 It's bonkers, isn't it? 9 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,320 It's like trying to get through Israeli customs 10 00:00:27,359 --> 00:00:29,000 wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." 11 00:00:29,039 --> 00:00:30,440 I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour 12 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,200 and they practically gave me a cavity search. 13 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,000 Aw, only practically? 14 00:00:34,039 --> 00:00:36,079 The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. 15 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:38,399 Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. 16 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,000 In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. 17 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,200 Well, um... Do you want it? 18 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:47,119 Mr Lova Lova, full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. 19 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,119 Do I want your room? No, honestly. 20 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,119 I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. 21 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:53,280 Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? 22 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,079 It's an electric thimble. 23 00:00:55,119 --> 00:00:59,520 Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny. 24 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,920 So, has our people's champion arrived? 25 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,560 Have you spoken to her? Is she all right? 26 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,120 Oh, no, no, no, she should be over it by now. 27 00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:06,519 Her husband died, what, four months ago? 28 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,079 So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. 29 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,959 She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. 30 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,200 She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. 31 00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:16,079 Yeah, well, you know, seven people died when that cafe collapsed. 32 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,480 She's entitled to her 15 minutes. 33 00:01:18,519 --> 00:01:23,079 How do you think I should, um, mention the tragedy when I talk to her? 34 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,519 Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, 35 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,159 "thoughts with you at this very difficult time" 36 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,840 yadda yadda yadda, all of, you know... 37 00:01:28,879 --> 00:01:31,319 Not... Without the "yadda yadda yadda" bit, obviously. 38 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,040 And I'm going to need some jokes for my speech. 39 00:01:33,079 --> 00:01:35,000 Oh, do you think that's a good idea? 40 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,120 -Not collapsing cafe jokes. -No. 41 00:01:37,159 --> 00:01:38,719 That's a shame. I had a bunch of those. 42 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,079 Thought you could call them the Little Chef Seven. 43 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,280 You know, special of the day, crumble! 44 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:46,400 NICOLA: See, that's not funny. 45 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,200 Howdy doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. 46 00:01:48,239 --> 00:01:50,840 -Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. -Hi. How was your holiday? 47 00:01:50,879 --> 00:01:53,439 Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida, 48 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,799 but Malcolm suggested we went to Suffolk, 49 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,200 and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, 50 00:01:58,239 --> 00:02:00,519 and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. 51 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,959 I saw the photo, uh, in the wellies next to the horse. 52 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,400 "Why the long face?" It was funny. Or not, depending on your perspective. 53 00:02:06,439 --> 00:02:08,319 Still, things are looking up. You're in Eastbourne now, 54 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:11,520 which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. 55 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,599 Clacton of the Southwest, they call it. 56 00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:16,680 Um, anyway, I'm here to meet Julie Prince. 57 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,319 Price. 58 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,080 -That's the fellow. She's the, uh... -The applause monkey. 59 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,159 (LAUGHING) That's funny, "the applause monkey". 60 00:02:22,199 --> 00:02:25,400 Show some respect, for fuck's sake. Her husband's just died. 61 00:02:25,439 --> 00:02:30,240 I'm so sorry. Glenn, you're quite right. I will now observe a moment's silence. 62 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,000 John, do you know what the Wi-Fi password is? 63 00:02:33,039 --> 00:02:34,199 -I don't know what it is. -No? 64 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,800 -No. -You've been here... 65 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,599 I know, I've just... I'm very busy. Haven't really had time. 66 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:39,800 I mean, I assure you, despite the calm exterior, 67 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,280 I am not waving but drowning. 68 00:02:41,319 --> 00:02:43,560 John, are you across this thing about, um, 69 00:02:43,599 --> 00:02:46,199 Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? 70 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,800 Um, Mannion, right, yeah. 71 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,919 Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? 72 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,560 -Yes. -Okay, good. 73 00:02:51,599 --> 00:02:53,039 So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 74 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,599 'Cause I just want to remind people 75 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:56,639 that while he's criticising us over the recession, 76 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,120 he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. 77 00:02:59,159 --> 00:03:00,840 Oh, okay. "He's gay." 78 00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,919 -Oh, for fuck... -OLLY: No, not gay. 79 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,919 It's a hypocrisy thing. 80 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,599 (STAMMERS) Yeah, well, I mean, in principle yeah, but it is conference, 81 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:09,719 so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. 82 00:03:09,759 --> 00:03:11,520 John, without wishing to sound blunt... 83 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,960 Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. 84 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,280 It is your job. 85 00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:20,000 I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. 86 00:03:20,039 --> 00:03:22,120 -He's not going to do it, is he? -Absolutely fucking useless. 87 00:03:22,159 --> 00:03:24,280 He's completely not going to do it. 88 00:03:24,319 --> 00:03:26,560 I think the reason he's got that fringe is so that he hides the lobotomy scars. 89 00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:29,000 -Is that right? -I'm absolutely certain of it. 90 00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:30,560 So, what's the beard for? 91 00:03:30,599 --> 00:03:32,840 -Who is she, by the way? -Oh, hello again. 92 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,840 -Olly, right? -Yes. 93 00:03:34,879 --> 00:03:38,599 She was married to one of those guys who died when that cafe collapsed. 94 00:03:38,639 --> 00:03:40,159 She's not going to be crying or anything, is she? 95 00:03:40,199 --> 00:03:41,159 Get enough of that at home, right? 96 00:03:41,199 --> 00:03:42,680 (CHUCKLING) 97 00:03:42,719 --> 00:03:44,199 Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status 98 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,280 to "single and up for it", 99 00:03:46,319 --> 00:03:48,599 which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. 100 00:03:48,639 --> 00:03:52,199 Listen, John, there's an outside chance that she may just prefer 101 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,400 to meet a human being, so I'm going to come down with you. 102 00:03:55,439 --> 00:03:57,280 Good idea. You can buy her a coffee, you can... 103 00:03:57,319 --> 00:04:00,400 You could maybe buy her a "collapsuccino". 104 00:04:00,439 --> 00:04:02,719 Might bring back memories of her latte husband. 105 00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:04,240 As in late husband. 106 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,800 We're like Dick and Dom, aren't we? Great chemistry. 107 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,800 Except neither one of you are Doms. 108 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,240 Terri, hi, it's me. 109 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,159 Have you read up about this Peter Mannion 110 00:04:11,199 --> 00:04:12,919 second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? 111 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,599 No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? 112 00:04:15,639 --> 00:04:16,759 Amalfi. 113 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,319 So, could you make a few phone calls? 114 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:19,680 See if you can get it some press traction? 115 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:21,120 I'm sorry, I just can't do that. 116 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,639 That's a party political matter. 117 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,759 You're going to have to get John Duggan onto that, 118 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,800 'cause it's his responsibility. 119 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:28,839 Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here 120 00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:31,120 is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. 121 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,839 Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. 122 00:04:33,879 --> 00:04:36,759 Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? 123 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,279 Where are you, Terri? 124 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,319 I'm just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. 125 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,279 Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. 126 00:04:42,319 --> 00:04:44,199 So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. 127 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,199 No, you're not working and you're not at home, 128 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,000 so as my 16-year-old would say, you are totally busted. 129 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,439 (EXHALES) 130 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,399 We're really thrilled to have you on board. 131 00:04:52,439 --> 00:04:56,199 Although, of course, terribly sad about your news at the same time. 132 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,600 -Yeah, right, um... -Yeah. 133 00:04:57,639 --> 00:04:58,879 You are? 134 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,519 John Duggan, press officer. It is an honour. 135 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,639 Well, maybe that's pushing it a bit far. 136 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,240 But, I mean, it's always very nice to meet a civvie, a normal, as it were. 137 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:09,800 So have you, um, seen the charms of Eastbourne, 138 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:11,360 whatever they may be? 139 00:05:11,399 --> 00:05:13,800 Not really. I've been working on me speech. 140 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,639 You've got a speech? 141 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,399 Right, well, what, no problem. We'll just have to get it cleared. 142 00:05:18,439 --> 00:05:20,959 Uh, do you have a copy of it on you? 143 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:25,800 Sorry about your loss, of your husband, in the collapse of that...of that cafe. 144 00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:26,800 (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) 145 00:05:26,839 --> 00:05:28,680 Right. 146 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,720 Okay, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? 147 00:05:30,759 --> 00:05:33,639 Uh, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, 148 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:37,120 sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb... 149 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,240 You write almost entirely in generic, meaningless buzz words, don't you? 150 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,519 I could take it more street, if you prefer. 151 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,800 "You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, beeyatch." 152 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:48,680 But, you know, this is... 153 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,360 I just don't want to come across all nanny-state and sort of... 154 00:05:51,399 --> 00:05:53,199 "Death By Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding. 155 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,199 "It's a real and genuine concern." you know? 156 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,399 I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me 157 00:05:57,439 --> 00:06:01,199 as Mrs Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. 158 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,600 Fine, I understand. So we'll sugar-coat it. 159 00:06:03,639 --> 00:06:05,920 Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. 160 00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:08,639 Yeah, all right, no problemo. 161 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,680 -Now... Now? Jokes now? -Yeah. 162 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:17,120 Okay, how about, "We want people to be fit, not fit to burst"? 163 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,639 Gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? 164 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,000 Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. 165 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,839 I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. 166 00:06:24,879 --> 00:06:26,240 I don't know who was taking them. 167 00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:28,560 Roy fucking Orbison you've got doing that. 168 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,839 -Oh, Malcolm? -Yeah. 169 00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:31,560 Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? 170 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,680 Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. 171 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,279 I read all the blogs. 172 00:06:35,319 --> 00:06:37,600 'Cause basically I'm an underemployed, fat fucking loser. 173 00:06:37,639 --> 00:06:39,639 Got nothing better to do with my time than sit in my bedroom 174 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,160 like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, 175 00:06:43,199 --> 00:06:47,439 reading inconsequential, unspellchecked shit 176 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,439 fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. 177 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:55,600 Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech, 178 00:06:55,639 --> 00:06:57,759 they're from a false sample. 179 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,800 Apparently, they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. 180 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:03,879 I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's nothing in that at all. 181 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,319 Nothing in it? 182 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,279 Nothing at all. I'll catch yous later, okay? 183 00:07:08,319 --> 00:07:10,920 Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. 184 00:07:10,959 --> 00:07:14,240 And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. 185 00:07:14,279 --> 00:07:16,240 Well, I don't know. Google "goolies". 186 00:07:16,279 --> 00:07:18,519 Nicola, this is Julie. 187 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,600 Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. 188 00:07:21,639 --> 00:07:24,399 Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. 189 00:07:24,439 --> 00:07:26,720 (LAUGHING) That's... That's not... 190 00:07:26,759 --> 00:07:29,240 That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. 191 00:07:29,279 --> 00:07:31,040 -I was just kidding. -That's a good joke. 192 00:07:31,079 --> 00:07:32,120 Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now. 193 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,199 Good joke, yeah. 194 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,800 Um, Julie's written a speech. 195 00:07:36,959 --> 00:07:38,759 -Oh, right, for today? -Yeah. 196 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,800 What's that about, then? 197 00:07:40,839 --> 00:07:43,439 Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. 198 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,120 -Uh-huh. -And then we'll move on to the campaign. 199 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,720 Um, we'll get to the middle section and I just really want to tell everyone 200 00:07:49,759 --> 00:07:52,199 how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. 201 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,519 -Yeah. -You'll get that opportunity. 202 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,160 Me and six women, whose husbands have died, 203 00:07:56,199 --> 00:07:59,000 we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? 204 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,920 Tell me. 205 00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:02,800 He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. 206 00:08:02,839 --> 00:08:05,680 He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. 207 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,399 -So obviously, we've got no proof. -What, overnight? 208 00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:08,920 -Yeah, overnight. -My God. 209 00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,680 -He's clever. -What a bastard. What a bastard. 210 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,680 And oh, God, I am sweating like a fat lass. 211 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,680 Are you... Maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. 212 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,959 We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. 213 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,560 I mean, that's so trivial... 214 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,399 -I've got more to tell you. -Yeah, I want to hear it. 215 00:08:22,439 --> 00:08:24,279 -There's not... Just a of couple pages. -I want to hear it. 216 00:08:24,319 --> 00:08:26,160 Yeah, we'll knock off this stuff and then I'm with you. 217 00:08:26,199 --> 00:08:27,560 Nice to meet you. 218 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,279 Olly's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. 219 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,279 Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief, 220 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,120 but there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. 221 00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:38,519 We'll have to put something else in the speech. 222 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,360 Yeah, no, I don't know. 223 00:08:40,399 --> 00:08:42,840 Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? 224 00:08:42,879 --> 00:08:45,720 Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. 225 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:46,799 That seems to play well. 226 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,240 Oh, hey, Malc, how's it hanging? 227 00:08:48,279 --> 00:08:50,279 -Like the Gardens of Babylon. -Good. 228 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,279 Do you know where Lord Clarkham's room is? 229 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,679 I'm gonna go and try and stick his balls in his fucking trouser press. 230 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,919 -Right. -I see you've pulled. 231 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,919 Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. 232 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:03,720 She is, uh, the people's champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech. 233 00:09:03,759 --> 00:09:05,440 Julie Price... 234 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,399 I'm so sorry for your loss. 235 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,799 Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? 236 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:10,919 Yeah, not bad. 237 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,519 (CHUCKLING) 238 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:14,399 You stick with Olly. He's... You know, he's a good guy. 239 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,000 I know he looks a bit like an anorexic Leo Sayer there, but... 240 00:09:17,039 --> 00:09:19,000 Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? 241 00:09:19,039 --> 00:09:20,960 -Who, me? -Yeah. 242 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,159 I've got a little collection of memories, you know. Mandela and stuff. 243 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:29,000 Olly, would you be so kind as to do the honour, good sir? 244 00:09:29,039 --> 00:09:30,559 Do you mind if I... You all right? 245 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,559 -Just... Fucking hurry up. -All right. 246 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,960 -You're a stunner, ye. -Thank you. No, you're a stunner. 247 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,320 You really are. Very impressive. 248 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,080 I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. 249 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,639 The PM, he finds you very impressive. 250 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:42,399 -That's good. -Well, great. 251 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,679 I think that there is a point in his speech today... 252 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,240 Mmm? 253 00:09:46,279 --> 00:09:47,639 ...where he would be very honoured to introduce you. 254 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:48,759 OLLY: Um... 255 00:09:48,799 --> 00:09:50,200 Is that something that would interest you? 256 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,960 -Yeah. -Yes, it might clash, though, 257 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,559 with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. 258 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,759 Oh, God, look, the nerves are getting to us. 259 00:09:55,799 --> 00:09:57,120 I need to use your bog. 260 00:09:57,159 --> 00:09:59,559 Well, that's the ladies there. 261 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,600 Malcolm, you can't... You can't do that. 262 00:10:02,639 --> 00:10:04,840 She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. 263 00:10:04,879 --> 00:10:06,200 We need her for the speech. 264 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,279 Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. 265 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:11,320 Yes, but that... What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? 266 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,440 Oh, welcome to the men's room! 267 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,840 Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? 268 00:10:15,879 --> 00:10:17,320 If she goes on with Nicola, 269 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,480 she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. 270 00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:23,080 Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed 271 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,960 who fucking hate us, by the way. 272 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,200 But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10:00 news, right? 273 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,240 Julie, hi. Feel better? 274 00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:31,519 -Yeah, good. -Yes. 275 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:33,799 Now, what's it gonna be, Julie darling? 276 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,759 Do you want to go with the teasmaid or with the caravan? 277 00:10:37,799 --> 00:10:41,039 I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? 278 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:42,919 That is the Prime Minister, yes. 279 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,639 -Sorry, Olly. It's nice to meet you. -Julie, this way, come on. 280 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,960 MALCOLM: Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... 281 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,159 "So, joking aside... " Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. 282 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,759 -I know. -Whatever they are, right... 283 00:10:53,799 --> 00:10:55,200 -Right, right. -"It's now my great pleasure..." 284 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,960 -We're just doing the... -No, no, no, listen. 285 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,559 -Um, listen! -What? 286 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,639 You know when something, well, something bad, 287 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:02,519 but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... 288 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:03,960 -What's happened? -GLENN: Where's Julie? 289 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,000 Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. 290 00:11:08,039 --> 00:11:09,879 We bumped into each other and he... 291 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,799 What do you mean, he's commandeered her? 292 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,240 You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake. 293 00:11:13,279 --> 00:11:15,279 No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. 294 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,159 We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! 295 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,039 -Malcolm took her... -Just say no! 296 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,240 -You don't just say no... -What part of "no" don't you understand? 297 00:11:22,279 --> 00:11:24,120 Babysitting isn't a fucking... 298 00:11:24,159 --> 00:11:26,600 Fucking fuck Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm! 299 00:11:26,639 --> 00:11:29,399 Fuck Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm! Fuck Malcolm! 300 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,919 Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction, as well. 301 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,639 GLENN: Deep breath, Nicola. 302 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:36,759 Yes, I know. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck off! Thank you. 303 00:11:36,799 --> 00:11:38,480 Right, yes. What do you want us to do? 304 00:11:38,519 --> 00:11:41,039 (PANTING) 305 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,639 (GROANING) 306 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:46,000 -Do you want your Rescue Remedy? -No, fuck off! 307 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:49,240 Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. 308 00:11:49,279 --> 00:11:51,639 Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. 309 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:53,960 I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. 310 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,919 -Yes. -Take some reasonable... 311 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:00,000 Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! Freedom! 312 00:12:00,039 --> 00:12:03,519 -Oh, are you a texter? -Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute. 313 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,159 Listen, just casually mention it to Alan Dunn and, uh, 314 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,879 Lindsay Anorexi at The Mail, 315 00:12:07,919 --> 00:12:10,399 that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. 316 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,320 That's not strictly true, though, is it? 317 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,879 Yeah, well Strictly Come Dancing isn't strictly dancing, is it? 318 00:12:14,919 --> 00:12:17,879 They also have a bit at the beginning where an old man dribbles. So what? 319 00:12:17,919 --> 00:12:20,840 Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... 320 00:12:20,879 --> 00:12:25,120 Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. 321 00:12:25,159 --> 00:12:26,960 I'm not having it. You've gone too far. 322 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,919 Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. 323 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,120 (JOHN LAUGHING) 324 00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:33,120 Are you in on this? 325 00:12:33,159 --> 00:12:34,879 Oh, God, no, no, I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. 326 00:12:34,919 --> 00:12:37,879 Only in a non-gassy way. You're not Jewish, are you? 327 00:12:37,919 --> 00:12:39,240 -No. -Oh, good. 328 00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:41,399 -Can you just take her? -Oh, yeah, uh... 329 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,240 Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. 330 00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:45,799 Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. 331 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,600 -What are you on about? -Your husband dying in a cafe. 332 00:12:48,639 --> 00:12:51,639 You can't just take her! That's people-trafficking! 333 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:55,200 Am I being threatened by Harold fucking Bishop? 334 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,000 -No, Malcolm... -Okay, guys, can we just... 335 00:12:57,039 --> 00:13:00,200 Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. 336 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,399 Yeah, and we're taking her back! 337 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,399 Do not make this a disciplinary issue. You hear me, soldier? 338 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,679 -I found her. I fucking found her! -She was on the fucking news! 339 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,080 -Get this guy out of here! -Can we get a bit more sane about this? 340 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,080 It is not a fucking discussion. 341 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,679 Right, nobody argue. 342 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,840 I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! 343 00:13:17,879 --> 00:13:20,799 -You will fucking not! -Fuck off! Fuck... 344 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,480 Jesus Christ! 345 00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,000 -Oh, my God. -You've hurt yourself. 346 00:13:24,039 --> 00:13:26,679 -I've got so much on, as it is. -You hit me! 347 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,159 I did not hit you! 348 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,559 I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back 349 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,919 and hit you in the fucking face instead. 350 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,320 I think you've broken my nose. 351 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,159 No, no, that's just a scratch, mate. 352 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,159 Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. 353 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,600 What the fuck are you talking about? 354 00:13:39,639 --> 00:13:41,399 Look, look, just lean forward. 355 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,919 You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, 356 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,240 not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. 357 00:13:44,279 --> 00:13:46,600 -Don't touch me! -Look at him. 358 00:13:46,639 --> 00:13:50,000 -Have you got a hanky? -You go look after Julie, right? 359 00:13:50,039 --> 00:13:53,080 -John, let's get Glenn back to his room. -Okay, yeah. 360 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,159 Nobody saw that, did they? 361 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,759 No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" 362 00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:58,919 -All right? All right? -If we can just get... 363 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,279 -Is he okay? -He's all right. 364 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,200 -He's fine. -He's just got a nosebleed. 365 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:04,840 -Say, you... -Yeah. 366 00:14:04,879 --> 00:14:06,919 -If you breathe a word of this, right? -Mmm-hmm. 367 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,679 Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! 368 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,480 I am listening. 369 00:14:10,519 --> 00:14:14,000 Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fucking... 370 00:14:14,039 --> 00:14:15,080 -Where is he? -I don't know. 371 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,000 Jesus Christ! Come on! 372 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,200 -Yeah, it's all right, don't worry. -It's all... No, no, no. 373 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,399 Oh, my God! Glenn, what happened? 374 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,159 Well, I don't think Malcolm saw my point of view. 375 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,399 -Fair point. -I got punched. 376 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,600 -Oh, that is a lot of blood. -OLLY: It is. 377 00:14:29,639 --> 00:14:31,039 Is that normal? 378 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:33,399 We need a cold press or... Have you got... Is there ice? 379 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,159 -What about the minibar? -Is there any... Yeah. 380 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,159 -Oh, God that's just... -Oh, my God, everything's tiny! 381 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,240 -Are you having a turn, Glenn? -No, I mean the can is tiny. 382 00:14:42,279 --> 00:14:44,120 -Oh, okay, right, sorry. -The kettle is tiny. 383 00:14:44,159 --> 00:14:45,200 Yeah, come and sit down. Come and sit down. 384 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,600 Oh, that's better. 385 00:14:46,639 --> 00:14:49,039 Um, oh, you look like a squeezed doughnut. 386 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,840 Right, we need a flannel and some hot water. 387 00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:53,320 -So I'll boil the kettle. -Look, I'm not having a baby. 388 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,399 No, no, and anyway, it's a bloody nano-kettle. 389 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,759 Yes, there is a hot tap, Nicola. 390 00:14:56,799 --> 00:14:58,559 There's a hot tap! Jesus, what am I like? 391 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,000 I mean, I could make you a cup of tiny tea. 392 00:15:01,039 --> 00:15:03,519 -Um, so, there's the... -Right. 393 00:15:03,559 --> 00:15:06,399 What, you want me to... Okay, I'll have a go. 394 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,320 Um, put your head back... 395 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,840 No, I think Malcolm said forward. 396 00:15:09,879 --> 00:15:11,639 -Forward. Is it forward? -Forwards. Yeah, forwards. 397 00:15:11,679 --> 00:15:12,720 I don't know. I mean, I've always had childcare. 398 00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:14,519 So, um, can you... 399 00:15:14,559 --> 00:15:17,200 Try and keep the bloody handkerchief away from my dress, if you don't mind. 400 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,440 Oh, dear, it looks very sore. 401 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,720 I'm assuming we lost our people's champion, yeah? 402 00:15:21,759 --> 00:15:24,759 Well, it felt like a no to me. Did it feel like a no to you, Glenn? 403 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,480 Um, I think a no. 404 00:15:26,519 --> 00:15:28,440 I'm so fucked. I mean, I've got an hour and a half. 405 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,000 With all due respect, Nicola, there's a human aspect to all this. 406 00:15:32,039 --> 00:15:33,919 I know, I know, and you were very brave. 407 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,600 Just look. Realistically, there is so little I can do about it. 408 00:15:36,639 --> 00:15:38,720 And I've just got to write a fucking speech. 409 00:15:38,759 --> 00:15:40,799 -So, Olly, could you get on with that? -Yes, yes. 410 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,399 Glenn, why don't you come to my room and lie down? 411 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,320 Put a towel down on the bed, just for... 412 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,679 -Jesus, Malcolm! -What? Oh, God! 413 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,000 How's the patient? 414 00:15:49,039 --> 00:15:50,679 I don't want to speak to you right now, Malcolm. 415 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,279 I think you should leave. 416 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,519 -Oh, do you? -Yes. 417 00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,840 -What, are you gonna hit me? -I don't fucking hit women. 418 00:15:57,879 --> 00:15:59,120 Except Glenn, obviously. 419 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:00,919 Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this. 420 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,360 Glenn's been through enough as it is. 421 00:16:04,399 --> 00:16:06,879 Listen, mate, I'm really... I'm really sorry, right? 422 00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:10,080 I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? 423 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,679 I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks. 424 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,440 I had my finger in the dyke, but the dyke's very, very squirty. 425 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,840 Is it Fat Pat? I heard that she's, uh... 426 00:16:18,879 --> 00:16:20,480 Shut up. 427 00:16:20,519 --> 00:16:22,919 We're old soldiers, right? This is life in wartime, okay? 428 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:27,200 I mean, every now and then you're going to get an incident of friendly fire. 429 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,120 -Yeah? -Yeah. 430 00:16:29,159 --> 00:16:31,240 Good man. Yes, good... 431 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,440 Sorry. 432 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,000 Now that you've lost Geordie Julie, the merry fucking widow, 433 00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:41,440 you've got a hole in your speech. 434 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,519 Right, so have we got a contingency for that? 435 00:16:43,559 --> 00:16:45,759 -Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. -Well, look, why don't I help you? 436 00:16:45,799 --> 00:16:48,759 Let's roll some tits up the flagpole and see if anyone gets wood. 437 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,279 NICOLA: Oh, Christ. 438 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,279 It's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. 439 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,279 Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday. 440 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,159 We need to take the piss out of that. 441 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:02,799 Okay, how about, uh, he's called Peter "Two Holidays" Mannion? 442 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,240 MALCOLM: Glenn, um... 443 00:17:04,279 --> 00:17:09,799 He, um, works really hard at planning his holidays. 444 00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:13,119 That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm 445 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,920 you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. 446 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,400 I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. 447 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,160 -Right, well, okay, how about... -(MOBILE RINGING) 448 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,519 Oh, my God. It's got out. 449 00:17:22,559 --> 00:17:25,200 No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. 450 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,319 Who the fuck is leaking this out there? 451 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,559 Find out who's pissing this over the wall. 452 00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:32,519 Yeah, well, the thing about the internet, Malcolm, 453 00:17:32,559 --> 00:17:35,559 -is it's quite big, so... -It's on Rob Holt's blog! 454 00:17:35,599 --> 00:17:37,319 I don't know what he looks like. I don't... 455 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:40,400 You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel 456 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,720 before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. 457 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:46,000 So we've got her back again now. Is that right? 458 00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:48,599 Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here. 459 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,680 My responsibility again now. Doesn't matter about the speech. 460 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:52,920 That's fine, Malcolm. 461 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960 Yeah, it does fucking matter! 462 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,880 Women, huh? Women! Slam the door. Where did this idea come from, huh? 463 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,359 Wilma! Fuck off. 464 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,839 -NICOLA: I'm making a phone call. -Make a phone call. 465 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,400 Phone a fucking friend. 466 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,559 Hello? 467 00:18:07,599 --> 00:18:10,359 Terri, it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. 468 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,200 Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. 469 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,039 You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. 470 00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:19,599 Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? 471 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,279 I desperately need you to come down and help me. 472 00:18:22,319 --> 00:18:24,400 The problem is this party political problem, 473 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,519 because I'm a civil servant 474 00:18:26,559 --> 00:18:30,640 and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. 475 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,279 Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? 476 00:18:34,319 --> 00:18:37,799 And a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, 477 00:18:37,839 --> 00:18:41,119 and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, 478 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,319 so I need you here. 479 00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:45,319 Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back, 480 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:47,119 and I could come incognito with the hood up, 481 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,759 if that's going to help you out. 482 00:18:49,799 --> 00:18:52,000 This is what my life's come to, 483 00:18:52,039 --> 00:18:54,400 exchanging hostages round the back of a hotel. 484 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,160 -Yeah, very nice to meet you, Julie. -And you. 485 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,559 -Thank you so much for coming with me. -That's all right. 486 00:18:58,599 --> 00:19:01,680 The cruddiest spy film ever. The Eastbourne Ultimatum. 487 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,440 (OLLY CHUCKLING) 488 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,079 We thought we might just get you out of the hot seat, you know. 489 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:06,759 -I'm allergic to dogs. -NICOLA: Look at us! Look... 490 00:19:06,799 --> 00:19:09,519 -OLLY: Come on! -She's got a dog with her. 491 00:19:09,559 --> 00:19:11,720 -Yeah, that's Max. -She's got a fucking dog with her. 492 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:15,039 Yeah, he's diabetic. Four shots a day. Can't leave him anywhere. 493 00:19:15,079 --> 00:19:16,599 Why is she... Just get in! 494 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,640 JULIE: ...as long as we're not in the car very long. 495 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,880 Now the dog's going in. Is she going to put Julie in the boot? 496 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,400 I'm going to ring her. 497 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,640 Excuse me. You're phone's ringing. 498 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:25,720 Yes? 499 00:19:25,759 --> 00:19:28,000 Get a fucking move on. 500 00:19:28,039 --> 00:19:29,079 Where are you? 501 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,039 Never mind where I am. 502 00:19:31,079 --> 00:19:33,200 I can see you, and you're not in the car and you're not driving away 503 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,559 and you should be, so fuck off! 504 00:19:35,599 --> 00:19:37,480 -Glenn, come on, you have a bit more. -All right, Malcolm. 505 00:19:37,519 --> 00:19:40,000 Go on. Just watch your step. I don't want you tripping up again, eh? 506 00:19:40,039 --> 00:19:41,039 Absolutely. 507 00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:42,319 (LAUGHING) 508 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,200 D-Day. What is it, Malcolm? 509 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,359 I thought you were one of the boxers, not the emcee. 510 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,000 No, no, no, it's just, you know, 511 00:19:48,039 --> 00:19:50,160 I've got to show my face at a few receptions this evening. 512 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,079 Including the Rod Hughes do for Tom. 513 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:54,000 Believe me, I'd rather slip into something a bit more comfortable, 514 00:19:54,039 --> 00:19:55,039 like a fucking coma. 515 00:19:55,079 --> 00:19:56,559 (LAUGHING) 516 00:19:56,599 --> 00:19:58,960 Malcolm, you've started beating up your own guys. 517 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,559 That has to be a bad sign. 518 00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,480 I didn't fight fucking Glenn. Oh, why would I do that? 519 00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:05,359 Anyway, you've got absolutely no proof that I did. 520 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,160 Yeah, whatever you say, Malcolm. 521 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,599 Look at this! He doesn't flinch, does he? 522 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,000 (LAUGHING) 523 00:20:11,039 --> 00:20:12,359 We have a laugh, that's all. 524 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,400 -No, we're mates. -We're pals, look. 525 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,400 And look at the size of him. I wouldn't fucking hit him. 526 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,880 I mean, look, he's a fucking man-mountain. 527 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,279 -Hey, you saying I'm fat? -That's the banter. 528 00:20:21,319 --> 00:20:22,960 "Government department... 529 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,839 "The government..." Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! 530 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,640 How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick. 531 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,799 No, it's exciting. It's good. It's really good. 532 00:20:28,839 --> 00:20:31,039 In fact, I would say the fact that you're hearing it for the first time 533 00:20:31,079 --> 00:20:33,799 when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know... 534 00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:35,599 -You think? -Yes. 535 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,319 This is politics as it is, isn't it? It's The West Wing. 536 00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:38,599 You're not Josh, Olly. Just write the fucking speech. 537 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:39,799 It doesn't matter. 538 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:40,839 Come on, Nicola. Pull yourself together. 539 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,160 I fucking am Josh. 540 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,359 Nicola Murray can do this. Come on. 541 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,079 Wow, did you just refer to yourself 542 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:46,799 in the second and third person? 'Cause they're both... 543 00:20:46,839 --> 00:20:48,920 -Write the fucking speech. -Right, okay, yes. 544 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,640 I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room. 545 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,000 Hello, Malcolm. 546 00:20:54,039 --> 00:20:55,599 -Shite to see you, to see you... -Shite! 547 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,400 Come with me. 548 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,799 Oh, is this going to take long, Malcolm? 'Cause I'm really up against it. 549 00:20:59,839 --> 00:21:02,960 Um, you're looking very dapper, by the way, very nice, 550 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,200 like as if there'd been a Scottish James Bond. 551 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,440 Shut the fuck up. 552 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,440 Okay, why are we coming in here? 553 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,519 I know you leaked the punch story. 554 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:11,160 Fistygate? 555 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,160 Don't call it that. Where did you hear that? 556 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,480 Well, somebody said it was called Fistygate. 557 00:21:14,519 --> 00:21:16,599 I said, "I didn't realise it was called that." 558 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,200 Fuck. Fuck me! 559 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,160 I didn't leak anything, Malc, I swear to God. 560 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,640 You're not going to tweezer me, are you? 561 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,799 No, no, no. I'm just going to fucking kill you. 562 00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,079 Why? 563 00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:31,640 Because you told some spotty-faced blogger 564 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:32,960 that I hit Glenn. 565 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,599 -But I didn't. -But you would say that. 566 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,599 It can't have been me. I'd know if it was me. 567 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,480 (MOCKING) "It can't have been me. I'd know if it was me." 568 00:21:38,519 --> 00:21:40,799 Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. 569 00:21:40,839 --> 00:21:44,119 I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. 570 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,680 I mustn't scare you, must I? 571 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,240 I won't scare you, okay? 572 00:21:48,279 --> 00:21:50,359 I'll just explain what I'm going to fucking do to you. 573 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:51,920 I'm going to take your bollocks, I'm going to fucking rip them off, 574 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,599 I'm going to fucking paint eyeballs on them 575 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,359 and I'm going to stitch them onto a fucking sock 576 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,400 and use that as a mouthpiece. 577 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,640 Hope this is real vinegar. 578 00:22:02,559 --> 00:22:03,920 (SIGHING) 579 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,039 Sure you don't want a chip? 580 00:22:07,079 --> 00:22:08,759 Don't you know any jokes? 581 00:22:08,799 --> 00:22:12,400 I'll tell you what, the chips down south are a joke. 582 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,200 I'll text me mate, I'll see if she knows any. 583 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,079 You're texting her now, though, your friend? 584 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:18,839 No, I'm tweeting. 585 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,079 Tweeting? You mean, like Twitter? 586 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,400 Just, um... 587 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,279 Just want to get a pickled egg. Hang on a sec. 588 00:22:30,319 --> 00:22:33,039 -Hi, Terri. -Hi, listen, it's Julie. 589 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:34,920 She tweets. 590 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,640 Hang on. Julie tweets? What does that mean? 591 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,839 Twitter. Tweets on Twitter. It's like a social networking site. 592 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,400 You type in a text but it goes to anybody, 593 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:43,759 and anyone in the world can access it. 594 00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:46,000 And she's... She's tweeting now, is she? 595 00:22:46,039 --> 00:22:47,279 TERRI: She tweeted... 596 00:22:47,319 --> 00:22:48,680 Right, find out what she's saying. 597 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:49,759 (LAUGHING) 598 00:22:49,799 --> 00:22:50,960 Hello. 599 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,799 She's singing like a canary. 600 00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:54,519 She's twittering about Terri. 601 00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:58,279 Listen, it's too hot for me here. I've got to get out. 602 00:22:58,319 --> 00:23:00,319 -NICOLA: All right. -Look, I want out, Nicola. 603 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:03,680 Okay, Terri, calm down. I'm going to ring Malcolm. 604 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,039 This is no good for fucking pacing. 605 00:23:11,079 --> 00:23:13,440 Malcolm, Nicola. Julie tweets. 606 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,200 Tweets on Twitter. She's on Twitter. 607 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,039 She tweets on Twitter. 608 00:23:17,079 --> 00:23:20,599 Christ on a cross-trainer, Nicola. Julie is the fucking leak. 609 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,160 I told you. 610 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,160 Get her back here, right now, so I can loofah her to death. 611 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,599 Oh, what a day. 612 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,640 Is that her? Oh, no. Two blokes. 613 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,440 Are you sure you don't want one? 614 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,440 You mightn't get another chance to eat all day. 615 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:39,000 That is literally mashed-up Dalmatian head and sawdust, you know that? 616 00:23:39,039 --> 00:23:40,599 Is it? 617 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:44,279 On the other hand, I am fucking starving. 618 00:23:44,319 --> 00:23:47,039 Oh, here comes Checkpoint Charlie. 619 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,640 She's over there. 620 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,640 -I'm really sorry... -Yes, well, the apology's noted. 621 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,720 Noted? Not accepted? 622 00:23:53,759 --> 00:23:55,759 No, not accepted, noted. 623 00:23:55,799 --> 00:23:57,000 Oh, you look awful. 624 00:23:57,039 --> 00:23:58,400 Thanks. Oh, do you want a chip? 625 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,160 I haven't got time for chips, Glenn. 626 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,599 Listen, this is open territory here. I'm a sitting duck. 627 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,799 -All right, let's go, let's go. -I've got to get out. 628 00:24:04,839 --> 00:24:06,319 -No one will recognise your cover. -She's over there. 629 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:08,400 Okay, we'll look after her. 630 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,039 -Come in, ladies. -Home again, home again. Jiggety-jig. 631 00:24:11,079 --> 00:24:12,400 (LAUGHING) 632 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,160 Right, I'm just going to use the loo. 633 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:16,440 Right, okay. 634 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,480 -Julie? -Yeah. 635 00:24:17,519 --> 00:24:19,000 Would you like a cup of tea? 636 00:24:19,039 --> 00:24:21,119 Well, I might as well. There's bott all else to do. 637 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,400 Okey-doke. 638 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:24,359 Squeeze my cock and call me Nancy. 639 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,720 Were you born in a barn, Glenn? 640 00:24:26,759 --> 00:24:31,240 Keep the door and your ass cheeks fucking tightly closed, right? 641 00:24:31,279 --> 00:24:33,200 Jesus Christ, that's a tiny kettle, Glenn. 642 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,000 But then you know what they say. Where's glummy mummy? 643 00:24:35,039 --> 00:24:37,119 Uh, she's having a pee. 644 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,160 -Julie, how you doing? All right? -Yeah, I'm great. 645 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,440 -Busy, busy, busy. -Lovely. 646 00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:44,720 Oh, fucking hell, Malcolm! 647 00:24:44,759 --> 00:24:47,160 Julie, darling, could we just have a wee word with you? 648 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:48,680 Why? What's going on? 649 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,319 Do you know a guy called Rob Holt? 650 00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,640 I've never heard of him. Why? What's this about? 651 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,720 Well, it's just that he's one of your followers on...Twitter? 652 00:24:57,759 --> 00:24:59,039 Twitter. 653 00:24:59,079 --> 00:25:01,079 -And I think that some of your... -Tweets. 654 00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,359 -The tweets that you've been doing... -Yeah? 655 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,119 They've actually been reported out there. 656 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,640 Well, what are you accusing us of? 657 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,400 No, no, we're not accusing you of anything. 658 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:12,200 You look like you're accusing us of something. 659 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,200 You fucking sound like you're accusing us of something. 660 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:15,720 -No, no, no. -I've seen Spooks. 661 00:25:15,759 --> 00:25:18,880 You have treated me like a bag of shit all day! 662 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:23,160 I mean, I'm a very, very patient person, but I have had yous lot up to here. 663 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,920 I should have known not to trust yous lot, 664 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,519 when yous fucked over them Metric Martyrs. 665 00:25:27,559 --> 00:25:30,640 All I was trying to do was right by my Jason, right? 666 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,599 And if he was here now, he'd be fucking appalled 667 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,480 by the way yous lot are carrying on. 668 00:25:35,519 --> 00:25:38,400 He always said you were a useless bunch of wankers. 669 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:41,680 Oh, hello. Oh, you're back. Excellent. Ha! 670 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,119 Every epic needs a hero. 671 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,960 Put tiny kettle on, lad. I'm gasping. 672 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,799 Every... Everything okay? What's, uh... What's going on? 673 00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:54,160 Uh, Malcolm, um, if you could just come to the toilet with me... 674 00:25:58,279 --> 00:25:59,920 NICOLA: Get rid of her. 675 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,920 MALCOLM: Okay, we go out there, we say our goodbyes, 676 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,599 and I'll get Glenn to go and do the fucking desert burial, okay? 677 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:06,839 NICOLA: Yeah. 678 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:08,200 MALCOLM: You just try and compose yourself. 679 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:09,160 NICOLA: Okay. MALCOLM: Okay? 680 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,759 NICOLA: Yeah. 681 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,200 Julie... 682 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,200 Get rid of the Geordie Pauline Fowler. 683 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,240 Put her on the train back to Shit Town or wherever the fuck she came from. 684 00:26:19,279 --> 00:26:24,160 Right, would you like to come with me? Uh, there's been a change of plan. 685 00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,680 I'm taking them for the train. 686 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,319 No wonder the country's gone to the fucking dogs. 687 00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:33,240 You, you two, you'll not be there for long. 688 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,599 Okay, do we have anything that we can use against her? 689 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,799 There's, um, the Metric Martyr stuff. 690 00:26:40,839 --> 00:26:42,279 Yeah, that is right-wing. 691 00:26:42,319 --> 00:26:44,000 That's really... That's an insanity signifier. 692 00:26:44,039 --> 00:26:45,480 -Fruit by the pound? -Well... 693 00:26:45,519 --> 00:26:48,680 That's what I've got to work with? Fuck's sake. 694 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,359 Fruit by the pound. Watch and fucking learn, okay? 695 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,720 We say that we're dropping her because of extremist views, right? 696 00:26:54,759 --> 00:26:57,440 We just don't mention that those extreme views are about 697 00:26:57,480 --> 00:26:59,920 how she feels about the fucking finer points 698 00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:02,400 of fruit and fucking veg merchandise. 699 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,920 You shouldn't work for that lot, you know. 700 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,359 -I know. -They're all knobs. 701 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:07,400 I know, I know. I don't really, you know... 702 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,799 Did you... Did you enjoy anything about today? 703 00:27:09,839 --> 00:27:12,000 No. 704 00:27:12,039 --> 00:27:14,039 NICOLA: You've definitely taken out all the references to the people's champion? 705 00:27:14,079 --> 00:27:16,799 Yep, yep, yep, and I've added a whole page on Mannion's holiday, 706 00:27:16,839 --> 00:27:18,559 plus jokes. 707 00:27:18,599 --> 00:27:21,000 -Funny jokes! Funny jokes! -Funny jokes. 708 00:27:21,039 --> 00:27:24,000 I'm a funny man. I have my texts read out on 5 Live. 709 00:27:24,039 --> 00:27:25,680 -NICOLA: Very good. -Is it done? 710 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,119 -Glenn, what have you touched? -I haven't touched anything. 711 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,200 I didn't do anything. 712 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,319 Guys, the Wi-Fi's out. What page were we up to? 713 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,119 -Eight. -Excellent. 714 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,319 You're watching Nicola's speech with me and Angela Heaney. 715 00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:37,599 You're my brother from another mother and that's the kind of thing we do. 716 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,240 Oh, sounds like a lot of fun. 717 00:27:39,279 --> 00:27:40,599 Yeah, it will be fun. I bought us some punch. 718 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:41,759 You'd better get a move on. You're late. 719 00:27:41,799 --> 00:27:43,480 I know, I know, I know. 720 00:27:43,519 --> 00:27:45,920 -Right, grab the speech. -Oh, there you go. Good luck. 721 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,400 -Thank you. -GLENN: Fingers crossed. Have fun! 722 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,039 They grow up so fast, eh? 723 00:27:50,079 --> 00:27:51,960 Right, go, go, go, go, go! 724 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,359 Oh, my God, look. 725 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:54,559 How did the Vodcast with Helen Mirren go? 726 00:27:54,599 --> 00:27:56,759 -Yo, twat features! -Hang on. 727 00:27:56,799 --> 00:27:58,119 I mean that literally. 728 00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,759 This Julie Price woman, 729 00:27:59,799 --> 00:28:02,359 turns out she's a little bit fucking unstable, you know. 730 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,559 Extremist views. So we're going to have to let her go. 731 00:28:04,599 --> 00:28:07,000 Uh, of course, it's just that, um... 732 00:28:07,039 --> 00:28:08,960 Andrew Dover, the blogger? 733 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,599 So he's just going to go and spread that all over the internet, yeah? 734 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:12,599 Well, probably. 735 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,359 Job done! 736 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,799 I'm away for a game of crazy golf. Love those fucking windmills. 737 00:28:16,839 --> 00:28:18,640 Hit the full stops. Don't run through anything. 738 00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,279 I don't know what that means, hit the full stops. 739 00:28:20,319 --> 00:28:22,079 Just stop... Hit... Stop at the full stops. 740 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:23,880 It'll sound good in the hall. 741 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,279 -I won't gabble. You're putting me off. -It's not too long. 742 00:28:26,319 --> 00:28:29,599 NICOLA: ...local people finding their own solutions, having a real say... 743 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,400 She looks lovely. 744 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,720 ...over the future of the places where they live. 745 00:28:33,759 --> 00:28:35,599 -(APPLAUSE) -GLENN: Well done. Well done, indeed. 746 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:37,000 Some lovely stuff in there, I thought. 747 00:28:37,039 --> 00:28:38,480 GLENN: Yeah. 748 00:28:38,519 --> 00:28:40,400 I thought it was pretty good, actually, yeah. 749 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,920 Praise indeed from the Scottish Simon Cowell. 750 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:44,480 -Nicola... -Thank you. 751 00:28:44,519 --> 00:28:46,680 -What happened to the jokes? -I didn't say the jokes? 752 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:48,880 I think Glenn may have given me the wrong number on the printer. 753 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,240 We missed a whole page of Mannion jokes. 754 00:28:51,279 --> 00:28:53,200 Not... Not my fault. 755 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,000 I said, "Where are we up to?" You said eight. I printed from nine. 756 00:28:55,039 --> 00:28:57,160 You said, "Where are we up to?" So I said eight. 757 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,960 Yes, but we were up to seven, weren't we? 758 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,000 Well, you should have gone from eight. You went from nine? 759 00:29:01,039 --> 00:29:03,079 That would have been quite good 'cause that would've just added 760 00:29:03,119 --> 00:29:06,839 a wee bit of Bob Hope, you know, to all the doom and the gloom. 761 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,440 Maybe next time, huh? 762 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:09,799 OLLY: You said we were up to page eight but we were... 763 00:29:09,839 --> 00:29:12,039 GLENN: No, I didn't. I said "from eight".